You’ll Be Older in October

I woke up to a bright and sunny morning after the wind howled and tore at my home all night long. At times, I thought my windows would shatter at the assault of the violent wind. Other times I thought the roof would come peeling off it was so horrid a night. However outside looked still without a sign of a single breeze flowing through the branches of the big tree in the yard. The tree swing always reminded me of the first days of our marriage, when we were dreamers, lovers, and the world was full of chance and inspiration.

There were endless possibilities as we dreamed up adventures we’d share, children we’d have, and career success. We planned for years for our vacations we took as a family with our two children. We saved our pennies to provide all that we could for them and when the time came for them to go off to college, we sent them on their way with hopeful promises, mixed feelings in our hearts, and a sudden realization that another chapter had come to pass in our lives.

Together we built our home on love, commitment, and honesty that I was always grateful for. I found my best friend in you. So as we neared our retirements we started to plan out trips we’d take. 

Remember that “bucket list” bucket you made for us using an old coffee tin? You wrote in black permanent marker over the plastic lid: BUCKET LIST and we laughed because it looked silly. But every day we put our new dreams in there. Every day we jotted down places we wanted to go, things we wanted to see, and do until one day it was time to empty the bucket and create a “master plan” as you called it. 

For weeks we spent planning as retirement drew near. Our daughters called from their universities with excitement and optimism as if it were them that were going on a grand adventure.

“You deserve it dad, “ Reece told me.

“You and mom are going to have a great time,” Naveen said, “make sure you send us lots of pictures everywhere you go.”

Sometimes, when I’m awake at night and I can’t sleep I still think about how the moment felt to plan all those trips with you and dream. Honestly I don’t know why we wait. I don’t know why retirement is set aside as a time of when you can finally do the things you never got to do before. If I had to do it all over again, I’d have done it all with you sooner. We’d summer in Madrid, visit the Carribean in winter, and spend holidays visiting family members that live far away. We’d pick from our bucket list every year, a new adventure. We wouldn’t wait. We wouldn’t say to ourselves that when we’re older and can leave our jobs, that’s when we would see the world. No, we’d have seen it while we were young, healthy, and in the best shape of our lives.

Reece offered for me to live with her but I declined the offer. I feel like I would be putting them in a bind somehow. They just had a baby boy and I know how difficult it can be to juggle parenthood with careers and then to have an elderly father hanging around would just be too much. I don’t need them to worry about taking care of me too.

Naveen came over to spend her summer break with me. She is almost done with her PhD. Can you believe it? Our daughter is going to be a doctor! She said that she’ll always take care of me and that makes me feel really good to know that she cares so much. Sometimes I think that the reason why she decided to be a doctor was because of you. But I haven’t asked her. It hurts too much to ask.

So I hope you like the gardenias I brought you. They’re from the bush you planted over 10 years ago on the side of the house. Oh if you could see how big it grew and how many flowers bloom in the summer, you’d be amazed and I just know our house would be full of their beautiful scent. Sometimes I trim a few and place them in your favorite vase on the bedside table. You  know the one, I got it for you with a dozen red roses for your birthday that one time. You never let me forget that your favorite flower was gardenias, not roses but you still accepted them with a smile but the following year I knew better.

I read an article the other day about what people regret the most when their at the end of their lives. Not sure if I’m actually there at 71 but it sure does feel lonely without you. They say that they tend to regret not taking chances when they knew that they should. It’s like they know there was something that they should have done that they never did.

I thought about my own life all day after reading that article. Did I have any regrets? I like to think that we lived a beautiful life together and that I was everything you ever wanted and needed me to be. More money? More time? I don’t know. You can’t predict what the future holds and because of that you don’t really know what you would regret until the opportunity passes. I wish we had more time, my love.

I wish we had taken those trips and that I looked into your eyes a whole lot more. I wish that I didn’t spend late nights at the office trying to be the best employee that I could just to help out my chances of a raise. I thought that if I was a better bread winner, then that would make us happier. But the truth is, the money didn’t make us happier, the time together did.

I look back at our pictures almost every day. Did I tell you I made a scrapbook? Yes, your husband is a crafter now…sort of. Well actually I made two scrapbooks so far that I plan to keep and I’m in the process of making two more, one for each of our daughters so that they could always have something special to remember us by.

It’s strange really. One would think that even though death has taken your human form away, that maybe you’d still be here somewhere or somehow. I listen for your voice when all the world is quiet and I’m alone. When I hear the wood of the roof creaking with expansion I wonder if it may be your ghost walking around. I hope to see you in my dreams when I go to sleep every night or wake up and see your figure standing in the darkness at the foot of my bed. But all is quiet and still. I hear nothing from you and I have no paranormal feelings that you are near. Are you there or did you go away?

Maybe it’s futile that I come here every day. Maybe it’s nothing more than my own attempt to comfort my own broken heart that I sit here at your gravesite for hours staring at a cold headstone bearing your name. Maybe I am stupid to think that you would have the ability to reach out to me after death or even want to. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I miss you. You would be older in October. I know,  I married an older woman! Just one year older but you know I can’t let that go. Haha! But that’s beside the point that I came here for a purpose.

It almost sounds futile and a little bit crazy to be here for this reason but I am doing it anyway because maybe there is a chance that you might hear me. Maybe there is a chance that you are here. Maybe you’ve been around me but I just don’t know it because I’m not sensitive to that kind of stuff. Maybe, just maybe my words with reach you somehow and the essence of what I want to relate will somehow reach you through the cosmos or whatever it is.

I came here to ask you permission to take the trip we never got to take. You see, there’s a company that specializes in senior group travel and I still want to see the world. Even though I know it will be different without you, I still want to see the Ancient Greek relics and kiss the blarney stone in England. I still want to roam the halls of the great Renaissance cathedrals and see the Mona Lisa with my own eyes. I want to travel to Cusco and scale the ancient mountain top ruins of the Inca.

Although I wish I could do it all with you, I still don’t want to miss my chance to do it at all while I still can. My love, I miss you and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t carry that love in my heart. There’s not a morning that goes by that I still wake up on my side of the bed even though your side has been barren for years. I make my coffee for one, breakfast for one, and tend the garden as best I can. You were always better than me at that but I try my best to keep your flowers growing.

I love you but I think it’s time that I do something for myself for both of us. I think you would have wanted it that way too.

The wind picked up for a brief second as I stood up, looking down at your headstone. I felt it’s cool chill go through my bones as if it were a winter chill yet it was still summer. A tear dared to drop from my eye and land on the first letter of your name. I will always carry your memory with me. I will always have you in the back of my mind. And until the day I die and rest beside you here, I will always remember that you were the best thing to ever happen to me.

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